Buried Thoughts and Feelings
There are so many times in life, whether it is personal relationships or professional relationships, where we have feelings about how things are going but it can be hard to express them. Other times we try to express them and the other person isn’t receptive and it just turns into an argument.
How do you deal with situations like this?
The Art of Crucial Conversation
Crucial conversation is a term for a way to have conversations that matter. Primarily, the art of crucial conversation comes down to understanding how we can develop patterns of reactions based off of context. Think about a relationship you’ve had for a while. If you look back, you can see that conversations started out one way and over time the way you converse changes. Think about a married couple where an argument can start over something as small as a slight expression on the other person’s face. They’ve been together long enough that they are responding not just to actual conversations but a warehouse of information on past experience. The look you make in response to a question may be the same look they’ve experienced during some of the times where things got ugly. They’ve connected a phrase, a look, a question to a pattern of behavior. How do you break out of the cycle caused by patterns of reaction?
The Crucial Steps
Get out of your normal environment - Don’t try to have important conversations in the same place that you have your regular interactions. The environment you are usually in contains triggers for patterns of response. Want a different response? Get in a different environment.
Get someplace public - It’s common sense to say that raised voices and angry non-verbals are minimized when in a more public setting. Use this to your advantage. There are varying degrees of public - a park, a walking trail, a restaurant, a coffee shop.
Consider food and snacks - Food in front of you changes the dynamic. Our brains are not designed to be mad and eat. A conversation over a meal can be good. Also consider appetizers or light bites. Regularly reaching for the next bite breaks up the brain’s attention and patterns of reaction. For a conversation with a lower risk of being volatile, talking over a cup of coffee or tea can work fine too.
Keep it natural - When you make the invite, don’t make it about the conversation. (“I have some things on my mind” or “Can we go somewhere and talk?”) Make it more natural. “Hey let’s go grab a cup of coffee!” or “Want to try that new Italian place for lunch?” The time to open the conversation is when you are already in the different environment.
Open the conversation – Start with casual catching up and light conversation. There will inevitably be a lull in the conversation. That is your time to bring up the topic. “I’ve been thinking about something. Can I ask you a question?” Asking permission to ask a question puts them in position of control and minimizes the feeling of threat from rushing directly into talking about how you are feeling.
Ask about them first – Rather than diving right into how you feel, consider opening the conversation by learning more about how they feel. “I’ve been wondering lately if you’re upset with me over something I’m not aware of.” Or “How do you feel like things are going between you and I? Are you happy with how we interact?” If you start by giving them the floor, it increases the likelihood that they will feel a sense of obligation to let you talk about how you feel. Feeling heard is the best way to get someone to want to hear you.
Affirm their value – When you start to talk about how you feel, begin with the things you value about them and your relationship with them. “I’m so thankful you’re in my life” or “I really love working with you.” Try to mention the strengths you see in them.
Bring up your concerns – “The reason I asked about how you feel is because lately some things have happened that made me wonder how you felt” Tell them about the things you’ve been noticing. Avoid accusations. Keep it to the facts. And speak from a position of wanting understanding not judgment. “The other day we were talking and you started yelling at me. Is there something about how I talk to you that causes you to get so frustrated?”
Be prepared to change yourself – Nobody is perfect. And that means when you open up the conversation there are going to be areas that you can improve in the relationship too. If you aren’t ready to acknowledge that you recognize those areas and be willing to work on them, how can you expect the other person to do the same? You might have to spend some time caring about what they feel before they are ready to acknowledge how you feel.
Practice the Art
Having crucial conversations doesn’t come naturally. You might completely botch it the first few times. But keep after it. The style of talking and the vulnerability will become more natural the more you do it.
Want help learning how to implement the art of crucial conversations?
Contact Ellison Helmsman anytime for more information.